7.29.13, 8:43 AM
Dear Der,
Becca and I had a big fight last night. It was miserable, but I had an epiphany. When lovers argue, they scream about so many meaningless things, dancing rhetorical circles around each other, because they are desperate to avoid the real cause of the argument. What is this “real” cause? I will tell you.
For example, take my friends, Susan and Amanda, who have been together for nearly a decade and were married last year. Typically, when they fight, one of them, let’s say it’s Susan, sees a personality trait in the other, Amanda, and hates it for one of two reasons. Either it is something Susan also possesses; therefore, it reminds her of everything she hates about herself. Or Susan doesn’t possess the trait, but now it is viewed as a good thing; therefore, she is envious of Amanda.
In heated arguments between lovers, the lines of reasoning follow strange paths. One person latches on to something the other said, even though both know it was trivial and insincere, if intended to inflict pain. Certainly, it was not the real cause of the argument.
Nevertheless, they fight about the upsetting yet inconsequential thing. They attach meaning to the meaningless because addressing the real cause would be too unsettling and could rip the relationship apart for good.
And then the first person will say something new that is also mean and meaningless, which the other person will refuse to unhear. All the while, a storm is raging, the cause of which is at most only alluded to. It is talked around. Maybe it can never be talked about. Arguments between lovers are not simple matters.
No, I’m just nervous. Today I have to write an argument between two characters in What to Worship who love each other. I want to convey the above idea without stating it directly. I don’t like it when people, fictional or not, fight like this.
Take care.
-st
The photo is of the fence surrounding Pioneer Works.
Madman in the Marketplace 