5.16.13, 12:33 PM

Dear Der,

I haven’t started working yet because I drank too much last night. I couldn’t stop reading John Steinbeck’s journals. He has an anxiety to which I can relate, but he handles it in a way I wish to emulate.

He turns his anxiety over the way a boy inspects the underside of a rock for insects of interest. He sees that his individual fears are almost always seeds of epiphany. When he decides to confront his anxiety, this is a typical course:

1) He wants to focus on his work, but too many things in his life aren’t working out as he had hoped. For example, he worries about his son or his ex-wife. He worries about money. Initially, he tells himself to silence his anxiety and focus only on writing his book.

2) Suddenly, he says, “No! Today I will begin by addressing my boy and this money issue.”

3) Now that he looks the anxiety in the face, he sees that he has been ignoring something vital. It isn’t simply a worry about something out of his control. It is his conscience telling him to pay attention. If he doesn’t change his current course, he will behave in a way that he will later regret. It is only once he has faced the issue that the anxiety stops surfacing as a petty fear and takes its true form.

Becca comes home today. I have been very lonely and weird these past 12 days. My door has been deadbolted the entire time. I think it’s good and bad that she’s coming home. I will have another two weeks without human contact in August. Solitude is good for the brain. I like it very much.

I have good news. Although I still lack a title, I have written the first and last chapters of my book. That is why I got drunk last night. It’s all very exciting. Last night I jumped around my apartment for several hours, dancing and smoking and drinking gin. I have anchors, and the story’s form is taking shape. Now I can start to add more freely.

The protagonist’s name is Tom Stevens. He is both like me and better than me. The first section is more about his parents and siblings than about him. This is because telling his family’s story is the same as telling his story.

Incidentally, this points to why the disaffected youth thing doesn’t work for me. It’s immature. It takes for granted that you can create your own life. You cannot escape your family. By family I don’t mean only your parents and siblings, but the entire culture into which you were born.

Whether or not the writing is good, the process has been good for me. I have started to love my family. This seems like the most important thing I could do with my time, so it is time well spent.

All of this may seem like nonsense to you. I’m warming up my mind before the actual writing. It’s a lesson from Steinbeck. I especially need this today because I am hungover.

It helps to address the warm-up to someone. I do this most mornings, but it’s scatterbrained. Addressing it to you gives me focus. Plus, it’s always a pleasure to chat with you.

Maybe I won’t want to do it every day. Sometimes I get right into the writing. I don’t know.

So long for now.

-st